I have to apologise for borrowing someone else's words to describe the difficulty of being as I call it - as Jean Cocteau called it but Sartre says it too well. I know it's very up to each individual. The causes are complex, unknown or misunderstood but the feeling, deep down, is the same.
The difficulty of being came to me insidiously: I woke up one day and the darkness had wrapped itself around my soul and it was too late.
I knew. I felt it. The "nausea".
I sometimes feel that everything is too much. Emotions, sensations, thoughts. I feel the weight of existence, bitterly. But before I accept to live with this new "clairvoyance"- this anxious consciousness of the absurdity of the world, I have to overcome this nausea. The question as of late has been: "What should I hold onto so as not to perish?"
And this is my fight.
I will let Sartre speak now:
“I live alone, entirely alone. I never speak to anyone, never; I receive nothing, I give nothing… "
"I hadn't the right to exist. I appeared by chance, I existed like a stone, a plant or a microbe. My life put out feelers towards small pleasures in every direction. Sometimes it sent out vague signals; at other times, I felt nothing more than a harmless buzzing…"
"The thing which was waiting was on alert, it pounced on me, it flows through me. I'm filled with it. It's nothing: I am the Thing. Existence, liberated, detached, floods over me. I exist. I exist. It's sweet, so sweet, so slow. And light: you'd think it floated all by itself. It stirs. It brushes by me, melts and vanishes. Gently, gently. "
"Something has happened to me, I can’t doubt it anymore. It came as an illness does, not like an ordinary certainty, not like anything evident. It came cunningly, little by little; I felt a little strange, a little put out, that’s all. Once established it never moved, it stayed quiet, and I was able to persuade myself that nothing was the matter with me, that it was a false alarm. And now, it’s blossoming. "
"People who live in society have learnt how to see themselves, in mirrors, as they appear to their friends. I have no friends: is that why my flesh is so naked? You might say - yes you might say, nature without humanity… Things are bad! Things are very bad: I have it, the filth, the Nausea."
"I tear myself from the window and stumble across the room; I glue myself against the looking glass. I stare at myself, I disgust myself: one more eternity."
"So this is Nausea: this blinding evidence? I have scratched my head over it! I've written about it. Now I know: I exist - the world exists - and I know that the world exists. That's all. It makes no difference to me."
“Existence is not something which lets itself be thought of form a distance; it must invade you suddenly, master you, weigh heavily on your heart like a great motionless beast - or else there is nothing at all.”
"Existence everywhere, infinitely, in excess, for ever and everywhere; existence - which is limited only by existence."
"The Nausea has not left me and I don't believe it will leave me so soon; but I no longer have to bear it, it is no longer an illness or a passing fit: it is I."
“I am going to outlive myself. Eat, sleep, sleep, eat. Exist slowly, softly, like these trees, like a puddle of water, like the red bench in the streetcar.”
La Nausée (Nausea), Jean-Paul Sartre
If you can read a little French (or if you're French, oh hi!), I highly recommend you read
La Nausée. Although it tackles a complex (yet enthralling) philosophy, it remains a novel and is easy to read. No fancy words, I promise. And bonus: not downright bleak. Unlike other writers. Yes, I'm looking at you, Cioran. (I sort of like Cioran).
And when you feel down, you should eat chocolate, so this is the perfect snack! It's sugar-free and is packed with minerals and omega-3 and -6 fatty acids from the chia seeds. Raw cocoa butter's got anxiolytic and antioxidant properties. I've never cared for white chocolate but this is totally different. This is pure cococa bliss. And it tastes like heaven.
Almond milk powder (or other non-dairy milk powder) is NOT optional: it makes the chocolate creamy. The vanilla, on the other hand, is totally optional (I feel for the vanilla haters out there), I personally do not like vanilla so I omitted, but people who tasted it liked the vanilla version better.
Raw raspberry jam
(vegan, gluten-free, raw)
300 g frozen raspberries
30 g agave syrup (or other liquid sweetener)
50 g chia seeds
Blend the raspberries and agave syrup until smooth (raspberry seeds will remain). Add in the chia seeds and let gel for at least 2 hours. Keep in fridge for up to 1 week or freeze it.
White chocolate
(vegan, gluten-free)
60 g raw cocoa butter
30 g agave syrup
5 g powdered stevia
10 g almond milk powder
vanilla extract or seeds
optional
In a large bowl of hot water, place a smaller bowl filled with cocoa butter (cocoa butter melts at 35°C, no need to go higher). Stir well until the butter is melted (it takes a little time). Remove from hot water. Sitr in the agave syrup, powdered stevia and the almond milk powder (and vanilla extract if you like). Blend in an electric spice grinder for a couple of minutes. Transfer to a jar.
White chocolate raspberry cups
(vegan, gluten-free)
raw raspberry jam
white chocolate, still liquid (or melted)
In cupcakes moulds or candy moulds, pour white chocolate up to 1/5. Let sit in fridge for 10 minutes for the white chocolate to harden. Then spoon raspberry jam onto white chocolate. Pour white chocolate on top until jam is covered. Place in fridge for at least one hour.
It's best to keep these cups in the fridge if the weather is hot.
Confiture crue de framboises
(végétalien, sans gluten, cru)
300 g framboises surgelées
30 g sirop d'agave
50 g graines de chia
Dans un blender, mixer les framboises et le sirop d'agave. Ajouter les graines de chia et laisser prendre au moins 2 h au réfrigérateur. La confiture se conserve jusqu'à une semaine ou peut être congelée.
Chocolat blanc
(végétalien, sans gluten)
60 g beurre de cacao cru
30 g sirop d'agave
5 g poudre de stévia
10 g lait d'amande en poudre
extrait de vanille,
facultatif
Dans un grand bol d'eau très chaude, mettre un bol plus petit rempli du beurre de cacao. Mélanger jusqu'à ce que le beurre de cacao fonde (cela prend un petit peu de temps). Verser le sirop d'agave, la stévia en poudre et le lait d'amande en poudre. Mixer dans un petit moulin à épice pendant quelques minutes. Transférer dans un pot froid.
"Cups" au chocolat blanc et à la framboise
(végétalien, sans gluten)
confiture crue de framboise
chocolat blanc, encore liquide
Dans des moules à cupcakes ou à chocolats, verser du chocolat blanc encore liquide jusqu'au 1/5. Mettre au frigo pour que le chocolat durcisse. Puis, poser un peu de confiture de framboises sur le chocolat. Verser du chocolat blanc jusqu'à ce qu'il recouvre la confiture. Mettre au réfrigérateur pendant une heure au moins. Et conserver au frigo selon le temps.
